The Green Scare

From 1917 to 1920 and then again from the late 1940s to the late 1950s there was a period of panic across the nation.  In the second period, led by Senator Joseph McCarthy, the United States Government took swift action in weeding Communists out across the nation.  This witch hunt led to many people being falsely imprisoned because they had “Communist sympathies”.  This embarrassingly flawed idea came to be known as “McCarthyism”, named after it’s primary supporter.  Many people were put on trial, jailed, or lost their jobs simply because there was a hint of suspicion of Communist support. The Red Scare was not the proudest time in our nation.

Today,  California Attorney General Jerry Brown said he will sue to block a proposed water-bottling operation in Northern California unless its effects on global warming are evaluated.  I am all for the environment.  In fact, I get text messages from an environmentalist friend of mine giving me the “Green Tip of the Day”.  I  think that it is very important to take care of our planet. And  I don’t support companies who dump toxic sludge in major rivers just to make a group of 5 teens mad, summoning one man to stop them.

“It takes massive quantities of oil to produce plastic water bottles and to ship them in diesel trucks across the United States,” Brown said in a statement. “Nestle will face swift legal challenge if it does not fully evaluate the environmental impact of diverting millions of gallons of spring water from the McCloud River into billions of plastic water bottles.”  Some say that Brown is going overboard.  I say he’s not going far enough!  If he wants to stop Nestle from shipping out bottles of water in trucks, why not stop all trucks across the United States?  This would cut down on our environmental impact greatly!  And not only that, but the unemployed truckers would finally be able to spend time with their dear families!

Brown argues that the oil used to produce the bottles is far too much.  I have a simple solution.  I say we switch to paper cups all across the nation.  Or, better yet, you know that origami cup you can make out of a piece of paper?  The government should issue one sheet of paper to each American for their lifetime “Eco-cup©”.  But wait, this means over 300 million pieces of paper for the whole Nation!  The environment can’t possibly afford that!  I say we double up.  Every person born in America is already given a piece of paper by the United States Government.  From now on, I propose that we use our birth certificates as origami cups.  This way, not only do you always have your environmentally friendly Eco-cup© on you at all times, you also have important information on who you are.  Imagine how that might come in handy applying for a loan, or getting a new apartment!  Look no further than Eco-Cup©!

And what of the precious spring water?  To drink it would be absurd!  Big Brother Environment would be furious!  Besides, Gatorade is much better for you.  It’s got electrolytes!  We need to rethink how we use our resources.  And by that I mean stop using them.  I propose that we no longer have any interaction with animals.  These precious beasts were fine before we humans decided to eat them!  From now on, everyone will become vegetarian. After all, that’s the American choice!  You’d come around eventually. I’m just making the decision for you, saving time and precious resources.  In addition to this, we convert everything to digital.  Now there doesn’t have to be money, energy and resources wasted on CDs, books and DVDs or other such malarkey.

Furthermore, I propose that we elect Attorney General Jerry Brown as Secretary of the Planet.  No one cares more for our precious planet than this man.  Giving him this respected title will tell this to the world.  But when he walks into a room, he demands respect.  How do we make his respected position visually clear?  We make him a one of a kind suit, made of course of bio-degradable, eco-friendly, low-carbon emission, “green” material.  Imagine, going to meetings and embarrassing others because they are not dressed nearly as nice as you!  There’s no better way to get your way then by embarrassing the opposition!

50 years after the McCarthy Red Scare, a new panic has arrived.  But this time, it’s Green!

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4 Responses to The Green Scare

  1. K_Shaw says:

    Well played. The Green movement, while supporting a good idea, is basically fueled by money. Now companies can produce all sorts of “Green” products and sell them to people. Or TV networks can GO GREEN and tell people GREEN tips like, “turn off your lights when you leave the house, it saves energy!” and thus get people to tune in and watch their advertising.

    Maybe they’re be all the colors of the rainbow. In the 70s when AIDS was spreading through gay men, they could’ve called it the Purple scare. In 2025, we won’t have any storage left for our sewage, so it can be called the Brown scare!

  2. Alex W. says:

    It’s like the last Ben Stein movie on the intellectual scare…

    And why NOT Gatorade? It’s got what plants, I mean,… what you crave.

  3. Alex W. says:

    You can safely add to the list climate alarmists, on and off Capitol Hill, having been uncovered to use tactics of bill-riding agendas to play robin hood with the corporate economy. There’s something else going on here.

    Environmentalism is a wonderful thing, but the debate seems close to over with data continually moving scientists from the alarmist camp over to the the reality camp. With data that only goes back to the mid-nineteenth century, all we have statistically recorded has only been after the effects of anthropogenic greenhouse gasses began. I keep reading about the bigger picture, where the earth cycles in warming trends over long periods of time, and in fact is cooler in this era than prior earthly epochs.

    To the point where we put earthly ecology over good-willed altruistic philanthropy and forget humans altogether, it becomes a bit pitiful. Is this the Gore Scare? Has quite a ring to it.

  4. B. Shaw says:

    Agreed across the board. The Green Phenomenon seems to be driven by money. There are some people out there who are truly concerned about the environment, but corporation wise, it’s all clever marketing. What bugs me most about this Nestle/Brown issue is that forcing a company to go green the legal way seems a bit strange. I’m all for the environment. I like it. It’s gorgeous. But at what point do you put the environment before human need? Alex, the link to the video you posted was great. I was a little upset to see such a kind person lose to Al Gore. The thing is with extreme environmentalism is that humans depend on the environment to exist. I don’t just mean air. I mean water, plants, animals, the whole 9 yards. We can’t survive if we don’t use these environmental resources.

    It seems strange for an Attorney General to get upset about a company bottling water from a spring and bringing it to the people. That’s the stuff we need to live. If it’s drinkable, and we need it, why let it just sit there?

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